Today is the day!

Today is the day I'm going to become a blogger.

I'm doing this for myself.  I want to become better at documenting my life.  Time goes so fast, and I want to remember this precious time in my life.  It's a whirlwind right now!

Pajama time is precious in my house... and lately it's like my life is a big pajama party.

I love lazy days, but don't be fooled... these days are not lazy.  They are for bonding.  And recovering.  And for getting used to my NEW normal.

As I type this, I'm sitting in my kitchen, enjoying some decaf coffee with my favorite peppermint mocha creamer, watching my beautiful 6-week old daughter kick her legs and smile.  Life is good.  My 2 1/2 year-old son is in the living room, watching Thomas and playing with his train set.  This is the life.  For another few minutes, everyone is happy....

... until Ellery decides she wants to be held.  That might be the end of my first blog.  :)  Or, at least time for a break...

I love being home on maternity leave.  After the initial weeks of recovery, and the few days of feeling a little blue-ish, I'm feeling good and enjoying my kids.  I have mixed emotions about being a stay-at-home mom.  It's not for everyone... and I'm not sure yet if it's for me, but I have a new respect for those that stay home with their kids.  There are days when I don't get a thing done around the house, and it's hard to come to terms with the fact that my only job right now is to be a mommy.  That is the most beautiful job in the world, but for someone who is on go mode all the time, it's hard to slow down and enjoy the little things.  My house used to be clean most of the time...  now I'm learning to be okay with toys and dust.  Matt knows how I have a hard time relaxing when the house is a mess, but most days that it's okay with me... and that is a change! 

I love my job.  I love the kids and the co-workers with whom I work. I NEED people.  But, I love being with my family.  I think all of these things are normal and a complete blessing.  I do NOT love losing myself.  I do not love feeling like a hermit.  About my third week home with Ellery, I went through a very blue day.  I felt completely worthless.  I know on the outside that I hold this house together, but I felt like nothing but a milk-providing, lazy person.  I even had a hard time making dinner at night for my family... and can that really be so tough when all I have to do is hold a baby and decide what is for dinner?  Talk about worthless, right!??!!?  And, let's not even talk about my body!  The first two weeks after you have a baby, the weight continues to fall off and my belly continues to shrink.  And then, it stops.  And you continue to eat like you did before (hello, my friend M&M!), and the numbers on the scale go up and the belly seems to droop a little lower.  Talk again about worthless!!!  Those are the mixed emotions of a new mommy.  It's tough stuff!  Not to mention, the lack of milk when my baby is hungry, or the fact that I cannot pick up Creighton because I had surgery and it hurts.  Let's not forget about the needs of my husband, who deserves to be loved and taken care of, especially after picking up the slack these last 8 weeks or so!!!! 

Exercise... huh?!!?  When I got pregnant with Ellery, I was running, going to weights, and feeling great and looking great as well.  I had confidence.  Nothing could shake it!!!  I was eating clean and feeling fantastic.  I ran two half-marathons at 4 and 5 weeks pregnant, and I was in complete denial that I might be pregnant.  (Not that I wasn't happy about another baby, but knowing what was coming made it tough to swallow for a little while!)  So, now, six weeks post-partum, I'm longing for that body and the time I had to take care of myself.  I'll get it back.... but my new normal is providing for my kids and husband first, and learning to FIND time for myself.  That takes some getting used to!!!  The best advice I can give to any mother, no matter what age, is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  When you do, you are a better wife.  A better mommy.  A better friend.  A better lover.  A more complete person.

I will get back to that.  I am excited about that.  But, for now, my baby and 2-year old need to be held.  And when Creighton says, "Mommy, rock..", you'd better believe I'm going to rock him.  And, when Ellery needs to snuggle with me, and I'm the only one she wants, I'm going to snuggle with her.  And if Matt needs to talk about school and vent, I'm going to give him my complete attention.  It's okay to cut the other noise out of my life for awhile.  And I won't feel guilty about any of it.  I'm so, incredibly blessed.  And I'm okay with that, too. 

Ellery, 5 1/2 weeks

My life.  Isn't it beautiful??

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~ Heidi ~