A renewed perspective

Happy Palm Sunday!  This weekend for me is a time for refreshment and an opportunity to get caught up around here.  It's been quite a week....

I went back to work on Thursday.  It went better than expected.  Creighton and Ellery did awesome at daycare (I'm not surprised!), and I didn't even cry.  It was so nice to get back to school and see my students and colleagues.  There are so many issues that the staff are dealing with, and I hope I was a little bit of fresh air for them.  Luckily I'm coming in after some time off and maybe a different perspective, but I can't take the stress off their shoulders and I feel it in the air.  My colleagues know what I'm talking about - but for those of you who do not work in education, you probably know how stressful budget cuts, etc., can be.  For a few, the future is very uncertain.  It's tough when you signed up for a certain position, but you may be moved to another or lose your job.  We'll see what happens in the next couple of weeks.  This too shall pass!  

I had a nap yesterday.  It was quite refreshing.  I also starting working out again Friday - for real.  I lifted weights and am sore today, but it's all good!  It feels good to do something that makes me sore - sounds crazy, but the soreness means that I'm moving in the right direction and getting that much closer to fitting better in my old jeans again!  I'm trying to take care of ME!  That is a good thing.

Maternity leave was so good for me.  I had time to reflect on so many things in my life, and it was so good.  Having a baby is such a spiritual event, anyway, but it really brought me closer to my Lord and that is a GREAT thing.  Because of that, I see things a little differently.  I hope it's not just a season in my life - I hope I have a new and fresh perspective that sticks around for awhile.  In the midst of the pain and suffering that is going on around me, I have a deeply-rooted joy and strength that I've always had - but it's as real for me now as it's ever been.  I think it took me slowing down a bit to realize it.  We've had some tragedy in our area of the state that brings me to my knees.  Illness, weather, war, money issues, anger, divorce, and many other negative things have been surrounding our community and my group of friends.  It's tough!!!  But, to stay rooted in faith and to be a lighthouse in the darkness is my role in all of this. 

I grew up surrounded by many people whose faith was very obvious, and I'm so thankful for that upbringing.  I had great Christian friends who encouraged me and who saw me through.  I attended a church camp that was a big part of my faith experience.  I saw a very REAL and ALIVE God at work there.  I miss those obvious opportunities of faith fellowship.  In that environment, having faith and exhibiting joy was easy.  To be honest, in my life now as an adult, I have to work a little harder to keep my eyes open for similar situations.  We are not members of a young church community.  Our church is nurturing, but in a very different way. I am not a member of a bible study.  I miss that!  I have to learn to keep my eyes open for the little blessings... in my family, friends, and day to day activities.  God is at work all around me!

For now, I think God is challenging me to continue to seek HIM in my own way... and to be a light for those around me who really need to see His grace and feel His peace in their lives.  I'm trying to get rid of the clutter and the things that bring me down so that I can focus more on what the Lord wants me to see.  The best term for these things is NOISE.  Maternity leave was a time for me to re-focus on what is important.  Family.  Good friends.  Co-workers.  Myself.  Having peace.  I'm learning to lift others up when they need it most.  I think that is what God wants me to do!

So, for those who know me well and are struggling, know that I'm thinking of you.  I'm praying for you.  You are on my mind.  For a special soldier and his family... and struggling co-workers, and good friends who have succumbed to the world in their marriage, and the few I know who are dealing with the horrible side-effects of cancer... I am thinking of you.  My hope is that I will always be able to answer these questions: What am I doing to encourage those around me?  How can I help them to cut out the "noise" and see the Lord working in their life?  Am I being a light?  Am I keeping my eyes and ears open for the way the Lord wants to use me in these situations?  Am I listening to the answers the world offers, or am I truly doing what I know is right?

“Trust Me, and don’t be afraid.  Many things feel out of control.  Your ROUTINES are not running smoothly.  You tend to feel MORE SECURE when your life is predictable.  Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances.  Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely SECURE.  When you are shaken out of your COMFORTABLE ROUTINES, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities.  Instead of bemoaning the LOSS of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new.  I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom.  Say yes to the ways I work in your life.  Trust ME and DON'T be afraid.”

Isaiah 12:2, Psalm 61:2-4, 2 Corinthians 3:18 

Philippians 4:8-9
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you."

Amen!  May the joy of Palm Sunday and the promise of Easter give you strength and peace!

~ Heidi ~

Pictures from our bathroom project!

 The bathroom BEFORE we started the project.



  Part of the shower was already torn out... I did that months ago to see what was behind it.

 These are the studs behind the plater-type walls.  Interesting how the old houses were built!



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Matt and his little helper!  I bought him a Black and Decker tool set.  He loved it!





The boys and their hammers!



 

 

 And... the cement board goes up....





What a mess!!!

My favorite little carpenter!!

Final pics to come soon.... hopefully!  :)

The House that Built Me

When Matt and I got married, we purchased a house... a BIG house... a money pit!  We've put many hours into this house... and it's become a very nice home for our family.  We have learned a lot - from learning how to "do it yourself", to learning how we work together under stress.  Our first major project (2005) was the downstairs floors.  We moved in and the house had cat-pee carpet that smelled bad and was NASTY.  We pulled that out and refinished the beautiful wood floors underneath.  Talk about a project as a newlywed couple... wow!!!  But, the results are amazing and we love them!  The next major project - 2008... the upstairs bathroom.  It was PINK.  Everywhere.  Pink carpet.  A pink toilet seat.  Pink floral wallpaper.  A pink-painted claw-foot tub.  This house is HAUNTED by pink, and we are slowly taking it out!  We took out the pink carpet and Matt installed a sub floor so that we could lay peel-and-stick tile.  The next thing we knew... the ancient toilet began leaking into my office below... so we had to rip out our new floor in the bathroom and start over.  Ouch!  Live and learn... so a new toilet, updated plumbing, a couple thousand dollars and a few weeks later, we had our floor done with vinyl this time... and it looks nice.  Boy, what a trip!

We've done many cosmetic things... mostly painting the walls and stripping layers upon layers of wallpaper.  (Did I mention this house was built in 1881????)  This past weekend Matt started our next big project... tiling the shower and remodeling the downstairs bathroom.  He's doing a GREAT job.  He pulled out the old walls, and is in the process of hanging cement board so that we can tile this weekend... hopefully.  We've never done tiling... so say a prayer that it works!  I'll post final pics soon!

My thoughts since my last post have centered on the fact that my life has been filled with many houses.  My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade, and my mom moved us kids to a neighboring community.  We left the acreage where I grew up and spent the first years of my life.  I think about that acreage a lot, especially now that I am a mommy.  I have memories from that house, mostly sustained by photographs.  But, a few stick out in my mind that no photo can recreate.  I remember my dad hanging a tire swing in the yard... and asking for my help.  My brother, who is two years younger than me, was sick that day, so he couldn't help us.  I was so empowered because I remember feeling like dad preferred hanging out with Andy because he was a boy.  They did BOY things.  I was a girl and hung out with mom.  That was well and good, but the day dad asked ME to help him, and not Andy, sticks out in my mind.  (I must have felt a bit replaced after Andy came along.  I'm not bitter... just reflecting.)  A second memory... I remember waking up, excited to swim in the pool that had been installed in the yard the day before, only to find that it had tipped over.  Literally.  Major bummer!  Another memory... spending time in the barn with Andy - playing all kinds of games, searching for baby kittens, making memories.  Laughing.  Learning.  Growing together.  We really did have a blessed childhood on that acreage. 

And then it ended.  We moved to town.  Another adventure began. 

I loved living in town... it was an entirely new experience... being able to ride my bike to my friends' houses or to school.  Living near a park.  I don't have a ton of memories that are worth mentioning, but I do know that my mom tried her best to make it a home for us, and it was!  It was a small house - but it became home.  We lived there for two years - and then mom remarried and we moved again.

My third house growing up was a farm house that was remodeled.  We all had our own bedroom - I had the biggest of them all.  It had a bay window in it that was installed just for me.  I "grew up" in that house.  I learned a lot in that house.  I learned what it's like to have a new family - including a step-dad, step-sisters, etc.  I watched my mom take on a new role - as a mommy to girls who never had a mom.  I became a sister, again, with the birth of my half-brother.  I learned a new way to love by watching my mom and Tom love each other.  It was, and is still, home.  Every time I go there, my mom asks me if it feels like home, still.  The answer is always a resounding YES.  But, it's home because SHE is there. 

I wonder what memories Creighton and Ellery will have of their first house.  Will Creighton remember playing basketball ("hoops!") in the hallway upstairs?  Or working out with his dad in our spare bedroom upstairs (and telling his dad to "squeeze, squeeze!", like the man on the DVD)?  I want to make this house a home for them.  I want to provide a safe place for them here - a place they can come home to and ALWAYS feel loved, no matter what mistakes they've made.  I want them to feel the way I do when I go home... and I want them to remember that HOME is not just a house... it's a feeling.  We are "built" by our houses, and the joys and trials and tears and laughter created there.  The song lyrics I've posted below always make me think of my houses... the ones that built me.  As I raise my kids and nurture my family, I want to remember and dwell on the houses that built me.  I want to love my kids like my mom and dad loved me.  I want to set a good example for my kids by loving their daddy first.  I want to do my very best. 

I remember the houses that built me.  I remember the feelings and the things I learned as I grew up there.  Each memory, whether happy or painful, is significant because they make me who I am today.  When I have a bad day, I can look back on my houses and learn from them.  How did my mom set an example for me during her bad days?  What memories can I build upon and use to create a home that inspires?  I can only pray that I can provide a positive environment, with God's help, that my kids can take with them when they build their own houses.  I'm just beginning my journey as a home-builder, but I know how fast time flies.  Every day is a new day and another opportunity to lay the foundation.  One day at a time.

The House That Built Me (sung by Miranda Lambert)

I know they say you can't go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know, you don't know me from Adam,
But these hand prints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know, under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place, or feel it,
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave,
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From "Better Homes and Garden" magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Today is the day!

Today is the day I'm going to become a blogger.

I'm doing this for myself.  I want to become better at documenting my life.  Time goes so fast, and I want to remember this precious time in my life.  It's a whirlwind right now!

Pajama time is precious in my house... and lately it's like my life is a big pajama party.

I love lazy days, but don't be fooled... these days are not lazy.  They are for bonding.  And recovering.  And for getting used to my NEW normal.

As I type this, I'm sitting in my kitchen, enjoying some decaf coffee with my favorite peppermint mocha creamer, watching my beautiful 6-week old daughter kick her legs and smile.  Life is good.  My 2 1/2 year-old son is in the living room, watching Thomas and playing with his train set.  This is the life.  For another few minutes, everyone is happy....

... until Ellery decides she wants to be held.  That might be the end of my first blog.  :)  Or, at least time for a break...

I love being home on maternity leave.  After the initial weeks of recovery, and the few days of feeling a little blue-ish, I'm feeling good and enjoying my kids.  I have mixed emotions about being a stay-at-home mom.  It's not for everyone... and I'm not sure yet if it's for me, but I have a new respect for those that stay home with their kids.  There are days when I don't get a thing done around the house, and it's hard to come to terms with the fact that my only job right now is to be a mommy.  That is the most beautiful job in the world, but for someone who is on go mode all the time, it's hard to slow down and enjoy the little things.  My house used to be clean most of the time...  now I'm learning to be okay with toys and dust.  Matt knows how I have a hard time relaxing when the house is a mess, but most days that it's okay with me... and that is a change! 

I love my job.  I love the kids and the co-workers with whom I work. I NEED people.  But, I love being with my family.  I think all of these things are normal and a complete blessing.  I do NOT love losing myself.  I do not love feeling like a hermit.  About my third week home with Ellery, I went through a very blue day.  I felt completely worthless.  I know on the outside that I hold this house together, but I felt like nothing but a milk-providing, lazy person.  I even had a hard time making dinner at night for my family... and can that really be so tough when all I have to do is hold a baby and decide what is for dinner?  Talk about worthless, right!??!!?  And, let's not even talk about my body!  The first two weeks after you have a baby, the weight continues to fall off and my belly continues to shrink.  And then, it stops.  And you continue to eat like you did before (hello, my friend M&M!), and the numbers on the scale go up and the belly seems to droop a little lower.  Talk again about worthless!!!  Those are the mixed emotions of a new mommy.  It's tough stuff!  Not to mention, the lack of milk when my baby is hungry, or the fact that I cannot pick up Creighton because I had surgery and it hurts.  Let's not forget about the needs of my husband, who deserves to be loved and taken care of, especially after picking up the slack these last 8 weeks or so!!!! 

Exercise... huh?!!?  When I got pregnant with Ellery, I was running, going to weights, and feeling great and looking great as well.  I had confidence.  Nothing could shake it!!!  I was eating clean and feeling fantastic.  I ran two half-marathons at 4 and 5 weeks pregnant, and I was in complete denial that I might be pregnant.  (Not that I wasn't happy about another baby, but knowing what was coming made it tough to swallow for a little while!)  So, now, six weeks post-partum, I'm longing for that body and the time I had to take care of myself.  I'll get it back.... but my new normal is providing for my kids and husband first, and learning to FIND time for myself.  That takes some getting used to!!!  The best advice I can give to any mother, no matter what age, is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  When you do, you are a better wife.  A better mommy.  A better friend.  A better lover.  A more complete person.

I will get back to that.  I am excited about that.  But, for now, my baby and 2-year old need to be held.  And when Creighton says, "Mommy, rock..", you'd better believe I'm going to rock him.  And, when Ellery needs to snuggle with me, and I'm the only one she wants, I'm going to snuggle with her.  And if Matt needs to talk about school and vent, I'm going to give him my complete attention.  It's okay to cut the other noise out of my life for awhile.  And I won't feel guilty about any of it.  I'm so, incredibly blessed.  And I'm okay with that, too. 

Ellery, 5 1/2 weeks

My life.  Isn't it beautiful??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Heidi ~